⚠ WARNING: UNEXPECTED DAYLIGHT DETECTED
Underworld News Network
THE DAYLIGHT EDITION — This Should Not Be Happening
🌞 NOTICE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Our systems appear to have been exposed to direct sunlight. This is deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved. Our production staff is retreating to the sub-basement. If you are reading this, please close your curtains and return after sunset. We apologize for any brightness. Damages for retinal distress are not covered under our current subscriber agreement.
🩺 UPDATE FROM THE HEALTH DESK
Several staff members have reported tingling, a strong aversion to their own reflections, and an inexplicable urge to turn into bats. HR has been notified. The complimentary SPF 2,000 sunscreen in the breakroom is available on a first-come, first-served basis. Please do not hiss at the intern.
Today’s Top Stories
Sunlight Detected: Staff Refuses To Come In
Record absenteeism reported as meteorological conditions render office uninhabitable. Management 'deeply disappointed' but also on fire.
Vitamin D: What Is It And Why Does It Burn
A special investigative report from our Health Desk, filed remotely from a basement in an undisclosed location.
Curtains: An In-Depth Buyer's Guide
Your complete guide to blocking out the sun, rated by blackout efficiency. Velvet leads the field for the third consecutive century.
Opinion: I Have Been Awake For 14 Hours And I Do Not Like It
By Lord Ashworth III, Vampire Council Emeritus
Local Shadow Shortage Enters Third Week
Infrastructure officials warn the shadow deficit may persist until the autumn equinox. Several residents have begun sharing.
Scientists Confirm: Yellow Thing In Sky 'Still There'
Researchers express measured alarm. 'We were hoping it had gone,' lead investigator says from inside a mine shaft.
© 2026 Underworld News Network. We strongly prefer the night.
This edition produced under protest. Normal darkness will resume at dusk.